Thoughts regarding Infertility and Mother's Day

I just read an excellent article written by Dr. Russell Moore titled Mother's Day and the Infertile.

Moore writes regarding Mother's Day:

It is good and right to honor mothers. The Bible calls us to do so. Jesus does so with his own mother. We must recognize though that many infertile women find this day almost unbearable. This is not because these women are (necessarily) bitter or covetous or envious. The day is simply a reminder of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good.

However, Moore goes on to say that:

...almost every congregation is filled with previously infertile people, including lots and lots who were told by medical professionals that they would never have children! Most of those (most of us, I should say) who fit into that category don’t really talk about it much because they simply don’t think of themselves in those terms. The baby or babies are here, and the pain of the infertility has subsided. Infertile couples need to see others who were once where they are, but who have been granted the blessing they seek.

My eyes welled up with tears when I read that article because I understand.

I understand the pain of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good and right.

I understand the pain that comes when everyone around you is having babies, but you are not.

I really do understand.

I am on the other side of things, now. Our babies are here, and the pain has subsided. God has granted us two little boys, and we are more than content. This article helped me realize that even though I am no longer walking through the valley, I can still be an encouragement to those who are hurting because I have been there, too.

How a creme pie helped me remember...

It all started when I raided my mother-in-law's pantry for snacks to eat on the way back to Louisville after our long weekend in Tennessee. I grabbed a few packs of crackers for the boys, some snack bars and one oatmeal creme pie. There's nothing worse than being hungry on a car ride, so after making sure the snacks were within reach, we started to head up I-65 towards home.

Oatmeal Creme Pie

It didn't take long before the boys started asking for food, so I gave them some crackers and then quietly started to open the oatmeal creme pie ... so as not to alert the cookie monsters in the back seat. It had been awhile since I had eaten an oatmeal creme pie, and I was going to enjoy this one all by myself.

Much to my surprise, instead of sweetness, that first bite of oatmeal cookie brought to my mind a flood of powerful memories. You see, I had forgotten, but when Austin was a baby, those Little Debbie cookies were our favorite NICU snack. It's amazing how food can suddenly trigger memories that have laid dormant for years.

I can't remember the last time I bought oatmeal creme pies, but back in 2006, Joseph and I went through boxes of them. I don't remember who it was, but somebody brought us a box to the hospital right after Austin was born in case we needed something to snack on. They tasted so good to us at the time, we just kept buying them. They were part of the fuel that kept us going those long weeks and months...

I remember...

Do the Next Thing

I've had a productive Saturday so far, and that makes me happy.

Saturdays are usually pretty lame around here as Joseph works Friday nights and usually sleeps for much of the day. I would love to schedule a playdate with friends for every Saturday morning, but that isn't usually possible (since most people hang out with their husbands on Saturdays).

Instead of wasting the day away (waiting for Joseph to wake up), today I got busy cleaning, doing laundry, etc, and now

Grieving for my friend

This weekend has been hard. My thoughts have been consumed with prayer for my sweet friend Kim, whose husband, Stacy, died suddenly on Friday in a car accident here in Louisville. They have two young children, one of whom is

Is melancholy related to temperament?

Have you ever been in a season of life where you feel like you were being swallowed up by sorrow?

I know I have gone through several seasons like that,

Is there such a thing as too much sorrow over sin?

Is it possible to be too sorrowful over personal sin?

Baxter proposes three things in his sermon on melancholy:

1. That sorrow, even for sin, may be overmuch.
2. That overmuch sorrow swalloweth one up.
3. Therefore it must be resisted and assuaged by necessary comfort, both by others, and by ourselves. (Page 1)

Granted, overmuch sorrow for sin is not the typical malady of mankind in today's culture. However, some soft hearted Christians can easily fall into the mindset that they can "never have sorrow enough" over sin and "some think those to be the best Christians who are most in doubts, and fears and sorrows and speak almost nothing but uncomfortable complaints; but this is a great mistake." (page 3)

Baxter goes on to say that there are two ways in which sorrow for sin can be overmuch.

1. The first is when it is "fed by a mistaken cause."

"If a man thinketh that somewhat is a duty, which is no duty, and then sorrow for omitting it, such sorrow is all too much... Many I have known who have been greatly troubled, because they could not bring themselves to that length or order of meditation, for which they had neither ability nor time...

This one will perhaps hit close to home for some.   

"And many are troubled, because in their shops and callings they think of anything but God, as if our outward business must have no thoughts." (page 3)

To put it simply, if you feel bad for doing something that is not even sin, your sorrow may be overmuch and lead to excessive melancholy.

For example, a new mother who is spending one hour out of every two round the clock feeding her baby ought not to feel excessive sorrow if she is unable to pray or read the Bible regularly because she has neither the ability nor the time for lengthy spiritual disciplines. (Obviously, a new mother should not give up on quiet times altogether, but this is not the most helpful season of life to be beating oneself up about it.)

The other example is an interesting one that I'm sure my friends in the medical or professional field can relate to. It is not a sin to think about your work while you are at work. For example, a pharmacist may not have the time or the mental ability to pray, memorize scripture, etc. while she is setting about the important work of filling prescriptions. She may need to devote her entire focus on the business at hand (I hope she is, anyway, for the sake of her patients!!) Therefore, she shouldn't feel sorrow over the fact that she can't pursue spiritual disciplines at work.

2. The second way that sorrow can be overmuch is "when it hurteth and overwhelmeth nature itself, and destroyeth bodily health or understanding." By this, I think Baxter means that sorrow (even over sin) should not lead to a destruction of your physical or mental health. You can read more on this in my previous post on the disease of melancholy.

Is melancholy a disease?

I have to be honest.... I don't know much about the science of depression or the theories of biblical counseling or how the two connect or conflict. I know some people say depression is a physical condition that needs to be treated with medicine while other people say it simply a sin issue that can be dealt with through counseling, reading the Bible more, prayer, etc. I certainly have no intentions of making an argument about these points. Much has already been written elsewhere, I'm sure. Just do a quick Google search.

These are just quotes and things I have gleaned from my readings, and I hope they encourage you as they have me...
Baxter wrote this sermon 350 years ago in a time when depression was known simply as "melancholy." He defines it in the following way:

"But when the brain and imagination are impaired, and reason partly overthrown by the disease called melancholy, this maketh the cure yet more difficult;" (page 8 of 41)

 I like the way he describes melancholy- as a disease in which the imagination is impaired. This is so accurate, is it not? Whatever the cause of the disease (sin or physical sickness or a predisposition to depression or whatever), it does seem to impair the imagination and overthrow one's ability to reason.

I'll let Baxter further describe the signs of melancholy:

"The trouble and disquiet of the mind doth then become a settled habit... they can delight in nothing... in a word, fears and troubles and almost despair are the constant temper of their minds... quiet them a hundred times, and their fears a hundred times return.... their misery is, that what they think they cannot choose but think..." (page 8 and 9)

I really like the following description:

"You may almost as well persuade a man not to shake in an fever, or not to feel when he is pained, as persuade them to cast away their self-troubling thoughts, or not to think all the enormous, confounding thoughts as they do; they cannot get them out of their heads night or day." (page 9)

If you read further in the sermon, the signs get more disturbing as the disease progresses- things that we would associate today with manic depression, schizophrenia, etc.

"...they seem to feel something besides themselves...bidding them to do this or that...they are exceedingly prone to think think they have revelations... prone to prophecies... and many of them turn heretics, and take up errors in religion... but these melancholy heretics and apostates usually by this cast off their sadness, and are not the sort that I have now to deal with... but the sadder, better sort, feeling this talk and stir within them, are oft  apt to be confident that they are possessed by the devil... When it is far gone, they are tempted to lay some law upon themselves never to speak more, or to eat... they often think that they have apparitions... and sometimes they are confident that they hear voices, and feel something touch or hurt them... they fly from company and can do nothing but sit and muse... and when it cometh to extremity, they are weary of their lives..." (page 9 and 10)

And for those of us who have not fallen so far deeply into melancholy, Baxter gives this warning:

"These are the doleful symptoms and effects of melancholy; and therefore how desirable is it to prevent them, or to be cured while it is but beginning, before they fall into so sad a state!"  (page 11)

So, if you think of melancholy as a disease that gets increasingly worse without treatment, it is exceedingly beneficial to cure the disease while it is in the early stages- before the patient becomes "swallowed up with overmuch sorrow." (2 Corinthians 2:7- the text for Baxter's sermon)

I'll leave you with that for now. More to come on how to cure melancholy according to Baxter. His suggestions are surprisingly gracious. If you are eager to read for yourself, just check out the links above.

Avoiding Blogger's Remorse- On the Topic of Melancholy

I've got an idea for a blog post/series, but I need to be careful so as not to have blogger's remorse once I hit the "Publish" button.

What I mean is this--- It's easy to get carried away with a blog post and write things that you wouldn't normally tell the general public. Granted, you can always delete the post, but with feed readers, etc., you can never totally remove the digital footprint that is made with those words.

My idea relates to the topic of melancholy (aka sadness, depression, gloominess, discouragement, etc).